I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
