We need to rekindle our bromance
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
