I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
