she woke up with a sticky ear
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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