OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
