You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
