He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
