remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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