guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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