i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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