Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
