yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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