I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I can't put those talents on a resume
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
