You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
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