We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
