Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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