Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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