Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
