Umm I'm too high to move.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
