i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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