im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
