the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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