she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Randomize
