Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
And then my night got REAL pukey
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
