Well douche your snatch and let's go!
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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