Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
