I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Actions speak louder than pants.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
