every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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