Ambien. No doubt about it.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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