There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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