Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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