I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
