Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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