this beer tastes like vomit already
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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