Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
