I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
she smelled like a LAN party
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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