The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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