She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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