over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
