please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
