Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
