I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
