Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
