So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
There's always time for handjobs
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
