3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
