im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
