Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
