I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
