every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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