did you get engaged???
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
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